Man Up Is Not the Answer: Abuse, Silence and Men in Transport

@Peter McKenna

The conversation we still are not having

Recently, I wrote about a woman who was stalked, controlled and raped by a partner, and about how abuse can follow women into the workplace. That article stands on its own, and it needed saying.

This is the other side of a conversation our industry rarely has.

Men are abused too. By partners, former partners, family members and sometimes by people they have trusted. Yet men in transport are among those least likely to speak openly about it.

We are an industry built on getting on with it. Head down, keep driving, do not make a fuss.

That attitude gets the job done. It also leaves a lot of blokes suffering in silence.

When the abuse is at home

Coercive control does not always involve physical violence. That is one reason men sometimes struggle to recognise what is happening to them.

It can look like:

• Checking your phone, messages and location.
• Controlling your wages or leaving you without access to money.
• Cutting you off from mates and family.
• Constant put-downs, accusations and psychological manipulation.
• Threats to make false allegations or prevent you from seeing your children.
• Threats of self-harm whenever you try to leave. It can come from a partner of any gender, a former partner or a family member.

Some men are also physically assaulted, hit, kicked or attacked, yet tell nobody because they fear being laughed at, disbelieved or treated as the aggressor.

If any of this sounds familiar, it is not banter and it is not simply a rough patch.

It is abuse, and you are entitled to help.

Male survivors of sexual violence

Men and boys are raped and sexually assaulted too.

For some, it happened during childhood and has been carried silently for decades. For others, it may have happened only recently.

The barriers to speaking out can be enormous.

Fear of not being believed. Fear of what others might think about their masculinity or sexuality. Shame that was never theirs to carry in the first place.

Many men only begin to talk about their experiences years later, often when something else in their lives begins to unravel.

The impact can show up at work as anger, increased drinking, withdrawal, sleeplessness or a man who suddenly seems unlike himself.

Being raped or sexually assaulted is never the victim's fault, regardless of their gender.

Why this matters in transport

The job itself can make these situations harder to recognise and sometimes harder to escape.

Drivers spend long hours and nights away from home, often alone in the cab, with plenty of time to think and nobody readily available to talk to.

A man being controlled at home may receive a constant stream of calls and messages while driving.

Financial worries, a partner controlling the household money or threats involving access to his children can follow him up and down the motorway throughout the working week.

Then there is the culture.

Cab and canteen conversations rarely leave much room for a bloke to admit that he is frightened of his partner, or that something happened to him years ago that he has never told anyone.

The jokes, the stereotypes and the expectation to be tough can all become barriers to speaking out.

We already understand the devastating consequences of silence and isolation in our industry.

Abuse, isolation and shame can compound existing pressures and contribute to a person's declining mental health.

We cannot keep talking about wellbeing while ignoring the experiences that some of our colleagues are living with behind closed doors.

What we can all do

If this is happening to you

• It is not weakness to ask for help. It takes courage.

• Keep a record of messages, voicemails, dates and incidents.

• Clare's Law applies to men too. You can ask the police about a partner's history of abusive behaviour.

• If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

• Speak to someone you trust or contact a specialist support service. If you are a mate or colleague

• Notice the bloke who has gone quiet, is drinking more or keeps receiving calls he clearly does not want to take.

• Ask twice. "I'm fine" is sometimes the first answer, not necessarily the whole story.

• Listen without jokes, judgement or assumptions. Take him seriously.

• Do not share his personal circumstances around the depot.

• Let him know that asking for help does not make him any less of a man. If you are an employer or manager

• Make sure your domestic abuse policy recognises that abuse can affect everyone, not just women.

• Offer practical support, including changes to shifts or routes, assistance with managing unwanted calls and time off for appointments or court appearances.

• Train managers to recognise the signs of abuse in men as well as women.

• Signpost male-specific support services alongside general services.

• Create a working environment where people feel safe enough to speak without fear of ridicule or discrimination.

Where to get help

DriverWell and PDSN

DriverWell is free for every driver and transport worker, providing wellbeing support, information and signposting to specialist services.

Through our partnership with Brotherhood-In Arms, we are working to challenge the stigma that prevents men from talking about their experiences and seeking support.

This article follows my earlier piece about women in transport.

Abuse is not exclusively a women's issue or a men's issue.

It is a people issue, and it is an industry issue.

Nobody has the right to control, threaten, hurt or sexually assault another person.

And nobody, man or woman, should have to face that alone.

DriverWell | Supporting the wellbeing of transport workers

Professional Drivers Support Network (PDSN)

Sources: Respect Men's Advice Line, SurvivorsUK, mygov.scot, SpunOut and End Violence Against Women Coalition.